From Subtle Maneuvers issue 21:
Dear Subtle Maneuvers,
I’ve been debating emailing you because I haven’t been sure how to articulate this dilemma. I’ve taught myself to get up at 5:45 and write for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. I am not super awake but it is some of the only time I seem to be able to protect for myself. I run into the dilemma when I sit down to “write”. It manifests from two uncertainties: to write nonfiction or fiction, and to follow excitement or develop a practice. I can’t seem to figure out how to practice writing when I’m not sure what to write.
Nonfiction or fiction? Over the past year I have decided to actually write, instead of just dreaming about it. The psychological shift was scary at first. Now that I say out loud that I want to write, I want to write compellingly about everything. Could I develop my writing enough to be some sort of combination of Rebecca Solnit and Tom Robbins? Could I write essays and novels? Do I have to choose right now? I have to start somewhere...
Excitement or practice? My life experience is such that I am not used to kindling my own excitement and also not used to deliberate practice. I’ve tried certain prompts—“write a few paragraphs every day about my morning walk”—but the energy isn’t there. When I sit down in the morning the cynical side of me comes out and it seems silly to be writing a paragraph about my morning walk. I haven’t figured out how to get excited about those paragraphs to write enough and then practice editing. I get excited when I am reading, researching, and from there having ideas, making connections. Pursue what is exciting regardless of whether I’m actually writing? Or figure out how to deliberately practice writing?
Cultivate thrill or discipline? I hope there is a world where I can do both, as they feel like potent partners. Perhaps I just haven’t found the entrance yet. I would greatly appreciate any advice you may have! —Lauren in San Francisco
Dear Lauren,
First of all, congratulations on training yourself to get up at 5:45 a.m. to write! That takes serious self-discipline, and it shows that writing is something you’re willing to prioritize above competing concerns (like sleep!). A lot of aspiring writers never get that far.
Of course, as you’ve found, carving out the writing time is just the first step; then you have to actually do the writing (ugh!). And I can very much relate to your dilemma of making the time to write but not being sure what to write. For what it’s worth, I have had long stretches of being in the same situation, and I know how frustrating and miserable it can be.
I can tell you what helped me move forward, but first I want to gently interrogate your notion that you have to choose between excitement or practice, thrill or discipline. I don’t think these things are necessarily in opposition. There’s a well-worn piece of writing advice from Flaubert that seems relevant here: “Be regular and orderly in your life like a Bourgeois so that you may be violent and original in your work.”
In other words: Just because it takes dutiful discipline to sit down at the desk each morning doesn’t mean the writing itself should be dutiful. You say, “I am not used to kindling my own excitement”—but isn’t that a pretty decent definition of what writing is? It’s only by feeling some excitement in the writing that you can hope for readers to feel the same thing.
So how do you kindle that excitement? Partly it’s about paying attention to what excites you (and what doesn’t), which you’re already doing. You say that you’ve tried some writing prompts “but the energy isn’t there.” Great, don’t do that anymore!
You also say that you feel excited when reading and researching, and you wonder if you should pursue that in lieu of writing. This is a tricky one. Previously, I advised another advice seeker that sometimes the solution to writer’s block is simply to read more. But you also don’t want to use reading and research as a way to continually avoid writing. (Been there!) So I would just tread carefully. Maybe do one week of early-AM reading and research, then one week of writing, and assess? Or you could make an effort to read and write together—i.e., do all the reading you want as long as you’re making copious notes, keeping a reading journal, and actively looking for how the reading can provide an entrance to the writing.
You asked some other specific questions, so let me take a moment to address those:
Could I develop my writing enough to be some sort of combination of Rebecca Solnit and Tom Robbins?
Yes! (I love this idea.)
Could I write essays and novels?
Yes!
Do I have to choose right now? I have to start somewhere...
Why not start with an essay? Unlike a novel, you can write one in days or weeks rather than months or years. And no matter what kind of writing you ultimately gravitate toward, you’ll always need the ability to crank out a well-turned essay.
Plus, on a practical level, there are a lot of places to publish essays online, and publishing something is a great way to get experience being edited, build some momentum in your writing practice, and maybe even make a few bucks (perhaps the very best way to kindle excitement).
I said earlier that I’ve found myself in a situation similar to yours, and that I could tell you what helped me move forward. So here’s what helped me: a deadline! And not just a deadline, but the anxiety and fear that comes with feeling that I might disappoint or annoy someone by failing to meet that deadline.
Deadlines are crucial for a lot of writers, but they’re especially crucial if you tend to be a people-pleaser in your everyday life. (It me.) Hurley Winkler recently wrote about this in her Lonely Victories newsletter. She has discovered that she needs accountability to get any writing done, and she provides a really useful list of the ways that she’s held herself accountable to write.
I’m genuinely curious: Would a good old-fashioned injection of deadline pressure help kindle the excitement that you feel you’re lacking? If you want, we could even try an experiment. I’ll give you a short essay assignment and an aggressive deadline, and if you meet the deadline I’ll give you honest feedback on the essay and see what I can do to help you get it published. And if you don’t meet the deadline, I will silently judge you forever. (Just kidding! Or am I…?)
Shoot me an email if you want to give this a try, and I’ll share the experiment results in a future issue of the newsletter.
Having trouble finding time for a creative project alongside your other daily obligations? Or feeling stuck, blocked, or discouraged during the time you do have? Email your dilemma to subtlemaneuvers@substack.com and I’ll do my best to provide some concrete advice based on my research into great minds’ work habits.